Every Cool Guy Needs a Popular Girl

Teen Witch is such an amazing film that we actually had special guest stars coming out of the woodwork to screen it with us!

All the way from Minnesota, reality TV expert & all-around good time gal BJ was on hand, and she was even gracious enough to offer up her personal copy of Teen Witch. This is kind of a big deal considering what happened to last week’s disc of The Film Which Must Not Be Named.

We also managed to rope in John, a Grand Rapids websmith who was simply unable to resist the pull of a cheeseball teeny bopper chick flick. Plus he totally digs Brad’s 5.0.

Now, on with the commentary…

Be honest – are you ever gonna be the same again? 

MIKE: Umm. Yes. Definitely going to stay the same here. Teen Witch did nothing to sway me from my path of mediocrity.

GEORGE: I may start the schlong rap the next time someone has trouble saying penis, but other than that I feel I’m pretty unfazed.

STEVE: No.  I have since became schizophrenic. 

DAWN: Well, I’ve seen it before, so I’m essentially unchanged.  However, since my original viewing I find myself dealing with potential suitors by trying to engage them in ra p battles.  It hasn’t worked yet, but I’m pretty sure that’s because so far nobody can step to this.

JOHN: To be honest, yes I think I will. The Mexican food we ate afterwards had more impact on my life than Teen Witch.

BJ: I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.  No really, never gonna be the same again.  Great.  Now the song is in my head.  I guess that’s just the price you pay for watching the movie. 

CLOVIS: No, my life has been irrevocably changed. And not all for the good.

If you’re teenage self suddenly had witch or warlock powers, how would you use them?

MIKE: I can’t go into specifics, but there definately would have been a fast car and boobies involved.

GEORGE: Remember the film Zapped? I think if I had any powers whatsoever it’d end up like that.

STEVE: To get laid more. I would be a teenage boy.

DAWN: Hmmm, what were my issues when I was 16?  Mind control to convince my parents to let me go to college out-of-state; an even larger collection of black jeans, flannel shirts, ratty t’s, & Chuck Taylors; a nasty genital boil situation for my unfaithful boyfriend; a job that didn’t involve me asking if people wanted to “Biggie Size” something.

JOHN: I would steal Brad’s Mustang! After that I would totally make my house into a mansion with an excellent playground for my kids. After that, probably something lame like you know, world peace or something.

BJ: Now, Louise was kind of onto something  with wanting to be the most popular girl.  Although, like would that mean I could be the most popular girl in my office?  What would that get me really?  And I guess since Louise had to slut it up with Brad to be the most popular girl, maybe I don’t want that.  Yeah, maybe I would just somehow get unlimited paid vacation time at work.  Oh and I’d create money to travel. 

TRISH: If I were Louise, my first spell would have been new gym uniforms. The lilac onesie had to go. For myself as a teen, I would have given all the mean girls permanent camel toes.

CLOVIS: Convince girls that comic book nerds are cooler than musicians and to make the self loathing disappear.

The Teen Witch musical numbers were epic. Which was your favorite?

MIKE: Much like Brewster from the fantasic movie “Brewster’s Millions”, I’m going to vote for “None Of The Above”

GEORGE: Clearly the victor in this arena was the number “I Like Boys”. Between the faux nudity and the horrid lipsync this stood out as the champion title of this film.

STEVE: Female gym teacher – I LIKE GIRLS.

DAWN: I’m not going to pick.  You can’t make me.

JOHN: Top That! Basically, it can’t be topped.

BJ: I think I have to go with Top That.  Or possibly Most Popular Girl.  Mainly b/c both had really stellar raps.  The dancing to Top That also contributes to why its a good musical number. So probably Top That wins.

TRISH: I have to go with Top That. The choreography was amazing. Damn, that Polly can dance.

CLOVIS: Favorite would imply that I didn’t die a little inside when those three dudes and the girl rapped. Funniest and most heart breaking… Let’s go with that.

Brad – dreamboat or clownboat?

MIKE: Clownboat. Most assuredly a boat full of or made of clowns.

GEORGE: Clownboat. Did we ever figure out if he even bothered to dump his ex before bedding Louise? Then again, he did ride a 5.0 so I guess he had that right.

STEVE: Dreamboat.  He drove a 5.0 and was nailing the hot blond and the teen witch chick.  Plus he goes on to nail Carla Gugino.

DAWN: I dunno.  I didn’t think he was *that* bad.  I mean, when he ran Louise’s bike off the road because he was getting ear-tongued by his lady friend, he totally offered to help her out, even though she’d written nasty poetry about him. Oh, wait.  I guess at the end of the day, I’m a sucker for a soft-focus guy in a shirt with no sides who stands around in Levi’s poses.

JOHN: Absolute dreamboat! I mean, he’s so hot they had to switch to a soft-focus lens every time he was on camera! He’s so hot, I got nervous and peed myself a little, and I’m not even gay.

BJ: Well, when Brad leans against the wall in his jeans and oversized tank top and the soft focus lens… watch out.  That is some hot stuff there ladies.

TRISH: Dreamboat. The other day I rubbed Vaseline all over my glasses & looked at my husband. The effect is NOT the same. I’m pretty sure Brad was dreamy even sans soft focus.

CLOVIS: He got to stomp on pauly shore and possibly sleep with Carla Gugino so dreamboat it is.

Do you think BFF Polly had reason to be mad when Louise’s new witchy popularity left her in the dust?

MIKE: No – the only reason she had to be mad was that her whole “weird hat” thing was stolen by Blossom and Six. Honestly – your best friend develops powers that can give you whatever you want, and you just sit there and stew in your cauldron of anger? Really?

GEORGE: Absolutely not. Clearly she was chugging hard on the haterade between scenes because it’s not like she was approaching Louise and getting blown off, she just felt intimidated by Louise’s new popularity.

STEVE: No.  She should have been clubbed to death after the “Tough Enough” rap, or whatever the hell that was.

DAWN: Um, yeah.  It’s bad enough when a nerd gets called up to the bigs under normal circumstances.  But that bitch had MAGICAL POWERS and couldn’t have taken her friend along for the ride?  That’s crap.

JOHN: No way. She should have just been happy for her friend. Besides, Louise tried to include her on multiple occasions, Six just lamed out on her. Louise should have just broke ties with Six and let her get on with her rap career.

BJ: You’d think Polly would have appreciated the fact that Louise could have gotten her more hats.  I will say though that Louise did ditch her immediately to ride in Brad’s 5.0 instead of riding bikes so maybe Polly was justified in being mad?  Maybe not though.

TRISH: Ok, in Polly’s defense, I don’t think super popular Louise ever told her she was a witch. On the other hand, she took her to a Shana concert & got her backstage to meet Shana. So quit crying, Polly, and start reaping the bennies.

CLOVIS: Popularity is hard to attain, let alone maintain. Hell, Louise had to use the power of her reborn witchy soul. Polly was just trying to ride the girl’s coattails. Unless she was willing to sacrifice her dog to attain the same level of popularity, then no, she had no right to be upset.