Snakes. On a PLANE.
We did this movie up right. We all wore flower leis, and were surrounded by assorted rubber and plush snakes. I forgot to buy gummy worms and Hawaiian Punch, and that’s my bad. But it was still awesome, so whatever.
Sean Jones (played by the amazing Nathan Phillips) – dirt biker, surfer dude, Red Bull aficianado, artist, star witness. What did you think of this guy?
MIKE: Kind of like Sean Astin, with less talent and more brainless grinning. I think this guy made me coin the phrase, “Just a touch of Down’s”…
TRISH: This guy was not attractive at all, and I am still irked as to why the hot flight attendant was even into him. His acting left a LOT to be desired. Mostly a better casting job.
GEORGE: I know I said this during the movie, but the dude seriously looks like a thinner Jack Black. Minus the comedy of course. Frankly I thought he was a complete putz of a character but a decent foil for Sam. Bumbling twits make the hero not have to work so hard.
The snakalicious violence – gratuitous or gratuitously awesome?
MIKE: Eh – the violence was passable in my opinion. The only difference is you don’t typically see snakes performing the violence. Not gratuitious in the least.
TRISH: I vote awesome. The snakes were pheremone crazy, dude! They were all riled up and the only cure was to eat some fools. They were just doing what any group of pheremone crazy snakes trapped on a plane full of ridiculous, horribly written characters would do. Damn, cut them a break!
GEORGE: Are you kidding? The over the top deaths were the only thing that could fit in a movie with a title as bold a Snakes on a Plane. Direct and to the point, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
CLOVIS: Awesome! Only thing more awesome? Genetically engineered sharks.
Three G’s (Flex Alexander – yeah, that’s his name) is a germaphobic rapper and obvious 50 Cent rip-off. Pretend you are a famous rapper on this snake-filled flight. What’s your super cool rapper name?
MIKE: Ant-I-Venum – no, wait! MC Indian Snakebite!
TRISH: Mamba #5
GEORGE: 50 Cent? Are you kidding me? A 50 Cent character would have actually not been a complete puss. I think he was supposed to be more like perhaps P. Diddy. Anyway, if I had to play the role of rapper on a plane I think I’d have to go by something slick like Mongoose or Old Greezy.
CLOVIS: Cool C.
Snakes on a Plane, like many crappy movies before it, included boobies. But to keep things fresh, a snake also tries (pretty successfully) to eat a guy’s junk. Discuss.
MIKE: I don’t think it was hungry – I think it was mad. When you’re a snake, and a douche is urinating on you, the only thing you can really do is bite. I mean, what’s going to hurt worse? Teeth sinking into junk, or a severe bout of hissing?
TRISH: I am forever scared of toilet snakes after watching this. Still trying to devise a way to pee standing up so I can see into the commode at all times.
GEORGE: There weren’t enough boobies. And were there enough boobies, there still couldn’t have been enough boobies. Because clearly they had enough screen time left – gross lady with a snake in her dress, dumb dude who got bit in the eye, and the old lady who didn’t retire.
CLOVIS: This has always been a phobia of mine. Outside relieving oneself and getting bit by something down there. Not cool. Not cool at all.
Who had it coming more – Mary Kate the yipping dog, or the cranky foreign guy?
MIKE: Foreign guy wins by a country mile. If you didn’t hate that guy, you ARE that guy. Plain and simple.
TRISH: Foreign guy – DUH. The dog was just being a dog. The foreign guy was a total jerk, so I don’t think anyone shed a tear at his demise. Except the snake, who may have shed a tear of joy.
GEORGE: Mary Kate, hands down. One, who brings a pet on a plane? Two, when I was a kid I thought it’d be cool to carry around a ferret or perhaps a rat in a backpack. I would punch that me in the face if I met him today. Cause that is dumb.
CLOVIS: Cranky foreign guy; no reason to be mean and foreign.
This movie definitely contained some important life lessons. Which was your favorite?
MIKE: The most important lesson is easily that if you witness ANY crime, do NOT jump on your moto-cross bike and gun it to get away WHEN YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN SPOTTED. You simply paint a giant target on your back when you do that, and the criminal will stop at nothing to try to kill you – hence “Snakes On A Plane”
TRISH: If you think smoking pot and doing it in a teeny tiny room where one person barely fits (like the can on an airplane, for insance) is a swell idea, then a snake might bite your boobie. Also, never call your junk “Big Boy”.
GEORGE: Don’t sing shitty rock ballads with your eyes closed while taking a piss on a plane with snakes on it. You never know what you may lose.
CLOVIS: Samuel L. Mutha Effin Jackson is at his best when fighting racists, genetically engineered sharks or snakes.
