Yeah, Really.

So, this is happening. Please please please don’t let them drop Top That from the remake.

Every Cool Guy Needs a Popular Girl

Teen Witch is such an amazing film that we actually had special guest stars coming out of the woodwork to screen it with us!

All the way from Minnesota, reality TV expert & all-around good time gal BJ was on hand, and she was even gracious enough to offer up her personal copy of Teen Witch. This is kind of a big deal considering what happened to last week’s disc of The Film Which Must Not Be Named.

We also managed to rope in John, a Grand Rapids websmith who was simply unable to resist the pull of a cheeseball teeny bopper chick flick. Plus he totally digs Brad’s 5.0.

Now, on with the commentary…

Be honest – are you ever gonna be the same again? 

MIKE: Umm. Yes. Definitely going to stay the same here. Teen Witch did nothing to sway me from my path of mediocrity.

GEORGE: I may start the schlong rap the next time someone has trouble saying penis, but other than that I feel I’m pretty unfazed.

STEVE: No.  I have since became schizophrenic. 

DAWN: Well, I’ve seen it before, so I’m essentially unchanged.  However, since my original viewing I find myself dealing with potential suitors by trying to engage them in ra p battles.  It hasn’t worked yet, but I’m pretty sure that’s because so far nobody can step to this.

JOHN: To be honest, yes I think I will. The Mexican food we ate afterwards had more impact on my life than Teen Witch.

BJ: I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.  No really, never gonna be the same again.  Great.  Now the song is in my head.  I guess that’s just the price you pay for watching the movie. 

CLOVIS: No, my life has been irrevocably changed. And not all for the good.

If you’re teenage self suddenly had witch or warlock powers, how would you use them?

MIKE: I can’t go into specifics, but there definately would have been a fast car and boobies involved.

GEORGE: Remember the film Zapped? I think if I had any powers whatsoever it’d end up like that.

STEVE: To get laid more. I would be a teenage boy.

DAWN: Hmmm, what were my issues when I was 16?  Mind control to convince my parents to let me go to college out-of-state; an even larger collection of black jeans, flannel shirts, ratty t’s, & Chuck Taylors; a nasty genital boil situation for my unfaithful boyfriend; a job that didn’t involve me asking if people wanted to “Biggie Size” something.

JOHN: I would steal Brad’s Mustang! After that I would totally make my house into a mansion with an excellent playground for my kids. After that, probably something lame like you know, world peace or something.

BJ: Now, Louise was kind of onto something  with wanting to be the most popular girl.  Although, like would that mean I could be the most popular girl in my office?  What would that get me really?  And I guess since Louise had to slut it up with Brad to be the most popular girl, maybe I don’t want that.  Yeah, maybe I would just somehow get unlimited paid vacation time at work.  Oh and I’d create money to travel. 

TRISH: If I were Louise, my first spell would have been new gym uniforms. The lilac onesie had to go. For myself as a teen, I would have given all the mean girls permanent camel toes.

CLOVIS: Convince girls that comic book nerds are cooler than musicians and to make the self loathing disappear.

The Teen Witch musical numbers were epic. Which was your favorite?

MIKE: Much like Brewster from the fantasic movie “Brewster’s Millions”, I’m going to vote for “None Of The Above”

GEORGE: Clearly the victor in this arena was the number “I Like Boys”. Between the faux nudity and the horrid lipsync this stood out as the champion title of this film.

STEVE: Female gym teacher – I LIKE GIRLS.

DAWN: I’m not going to pick.  You can’t make me.

JOHN: Top That! Basically, it can’t be topped.

BJ: I think I have to go with Top That.  Or possibly Most Popular Girl.  Mainly b/c both had really stellar raps.  The dancing to Top That also contributes to why its a good musical number. So probably Top That wins.

TRISH: I have to go with Top That. The choreography was amazing. Damn, that Polly can dance.

CLOVIS: Favorite would imply that I didn’t die a little inside when those three dudes and the girl rapped. Funniest and most heart breaking… Let’s go with that.

Brad – dreamboat or clownboat?

MIKE: Clownboat. Most assuredly a boat full of or made of clowns.

GEORGE: Clownboat. Did we ever figure out if he even bothered to dump his ex before bedding Louise? Then again, he did ride a 5.0 so I guess he had that right.

STEVE: Dreamboat.  He drove a 5.0 and was nailing the hot blond and the teen witch chick.  Plus he goes on to nail Carla Gugino.

DAWN: I dunno.  I didn’t think he was *that* bad.  I mean, when he ran Louise’s bike off the road because he was getting ear-tongued by his lady friend, he totally offered to help her out, even though she’d written nasty poetry about him. Oh, wait.  I guess at the end of the day, I’m a sucker for a soft-focus guy in a shirt with no sides who stands around in Levi’s poses.

JOHN: Absolute dreamboat! I mean, he’s so hot they had to switch to a soft-focus lens every time he was on camera! He’s so hot, I got nervous and peed myself a little, and I’m not even gay.

BJ: Well, when Brad leans against the wall in his jeans and oversized tank top and the soft focus lens… watch out.  That is some hot stuff there ladies.

TRISH: Dreamboat. The other day I rubbed Vaseline all over my glasses & looked at my husband. The effect is NOT the same. I’m pretty sure Brad was dreamy even sans soft focus.

CLOVIS: He got to stomp on pauly shore and possibly sleep with Carla Gugino so dreamboat it is.

Do you think BFF Polly had reason to be mad when Louise’s new witchy popularity left her in the dust?

MIKE: No – the only reason she had to be mad was that her whole “weird hat” thing was stolen by Blossom and Six. Honestly – your best friend develops powers that can give you whatever you want, and you just sit there and stew in your cauldron of anger? Really?

GEORGE: Absolutely not. Clearly she was chugging hard on the haterade between scenes because it’s not like she was approaching Louise and getting blown off, she just felt intimidated by Louise’s new popularity.

STEVE: No.  She should have been clubbed to death after the “Tough Enough” rap, or whatever the hell that was.

DAWN: Um, yeah.  It’s bad enough when a nerd gets called up to the bigs under normal circumstances.  But that bitch had MAGICAL POWERS and couldn’t have taken her friend along for the ride?  That’s crap.

JOHN: No way. She should have just been happy for her friend. Besides, Louise tried to include her on multiple occasions, Six just lamed out on her. Louise should have just broke ties with Six and let her get on with her rap career.

BJ: You’d think Polly would have appreciated the fact that Louise could have gotten her more hats.  I will say though that Louise did ditch her immediately to ride in Brad’s 5.0 instead of riding bikes so maybe Polly was justified in being mad?  Maybe not though.

TRISH: Ok, in Polly’s defense, I don’t think super popular Louise ever told her she was a witch. On the other hand, she took her to a Shana concert & got her backstage to meet Shana. So quit crying, Polly, and start reaping the bennies.

CLOVIS: Popularity is hard to attain, let alone maintain. Hell, Louise had to use the power of her reborn witchy soul. Polly was just trying to ride the girl’s coattails. Unless she was willing to sacrifice her dog to attain the same level of popularity, then no, she had no right to be upset.

Top That

This Sunday, you are never gonna be the same again…..

Gigli

Snakes on a Plane

Snakes. On a PLANE.

We did this movie up right. We all wore flower leis, and were surrounded by assorted rubber and plush snakes. I forgot to buy gummy worms and Hawaiian Punch, and that’s my bad. But it was still awesome, so whatever.

Sean Jones (played by the amazing Nathan Phillips) – dirt biker, surfer dude, Red Bull aficianado, artist, star witness. What did you think of this guy?

MIKE: Kind of like Sean Astin, with less talent and more brainless grinning. I think this guy made me coin the phrase, “Just a touch of Down’s”…

TRISH: This guy was not attractive at all, and I am still irked as to why the hot flight attendant was even into him. His acting left a LOT to be desired. Mostly a better casting job.

GEORGE: I know I said this during the movie, but the dude seriously looks like a thinner Jack Black. Minus the comedy of course. Frankly I thought he was a complete putz of a character but a decent foil for Sam. Bumbling twits make the hero not have to work so hard.

The snakalicious violence – gratuitous or gratuitously awesome?

MIKE: Eh – the violence was passable in my opinion. The only difference is you don’t typically see snakes performing the violence. Not gratuitious in the least.

TRISH: I vote awesome. The snakes were pheremone crazy, dude! They were all riled up and the only cure was to eat some fools. They were just doing what any group of pheremone crazy snakes trapped on a plane full of ridiculous, horribly written characters would do. Damn, cut them a break!

GEORGE: Are you kidding? The over the top deaths were the only thing that could fit in a movie with a title as bold a Snakes on a Plane. Direct and to the point, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

CLOVIS: Awesome! Only thing more awesome? Genetically engineered sharks.

Three G’s (Flex Alexander – yeah, that’s his name) is a germaphobic rapper and obvious 50 Cent rip-off. Pretend you are a famous rapper on this snake-filled flight. What’s your super cool rapper name?

MIKE: Ant-I-Venum – no, wait! MC Indian Snakebite!

TRISH: Mamba #5

GEORGE: 50 Cent? Are you kidding me? A 50 Cent character would have actually not been a complete puss. I think he was supposed to be more like perhaps P. Diddy. Anyway, if I had to play the role of rapper on a plane I think I’d have to go by something slick like Mongoose or Old Greezy.

CLOVIS: Cool C.

Snakes on a Plane, like many crappy movies before it, included boobies. But to keep things fresh, a snake also tries (pretty successfully) to eat a guy’s junk. Discuss.

MIKE: I don’t think it was hungry – I think it was mad. When you’re a snake, and a douche is urinating on you, the only thing you can really do is bite. I mean, what’s going to hurt worse? Teeth sinking into junk, or a severe bout of hissing?

TRISH: I am forever scared of toilet snakes after watching this. Still trying to devise a way to pee standing up so I can see into the commode at all times.

GEORGE: There weren’t enough boobies. And were there enough boobies, there still couldn’t have been enough boobies. Because clearly they had enough screen time left – gross lady with a snake in her dress, dumb dude who got bit in the eye, and the old lady who didn’t retire.

CLOVIS: This has always been a phobia of mine. Outside relieving oneself and getting bit by something down there. Not cool. Not cool at all.

Who had it coming more – Mary Kate the yipping dog,  or the cranky foreign guy?

MIKE: Foreign guy wins by a country mile. If you didn’t hate that guy, you ARE that guy. Plain and simple.

TRISH: Foreign guy – DUH. The dog was just being a dog. The foreign guy was a total jerk, so I don’t think anyone shed a tear at his demise. Except the snake, who may have shed a tear of joy.

GEORGE: Mary Kate, hands down. One, who brings a pet on a plane? Two, when I was a kid I thought it’d be cool to carry around a ferret or perhaps a rat in a backpack. I would punch that me in the face if I met him today. Cause that is dumb.

CLOVIS: Cranky foreign guy; no reason to be mean and foreign.

This movie definitely contained some important life lessons. Which was your favorite?

MIKE: The most important lesson is easily that if you witness ANY crime, do NOT jump on your moto-cross bike and gun it to get away WHEN YOU HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN SPOTTED. You simply paint a giant target on your back when you do that, and the criminal will stop at nothing to try to kill you – hence “Snakes On A Plane”

 TRISH: If you think smoking pot and doing it in a teeny tiny room where one person barely fits (like the can on an airplane, for insance) is a swell idea, then a snake might bite your boobie. Also, never call your junk “Big Boy”.

GEORGE: Don’t sing shitty rock ballads with your eyes closed while taking a piss on a plane with snakes on it. You never know what you may lose.

CLOVIS: Samuel L. Mutha Effin Jackson is at his best when fighting racists, genetically engineered sharks or snakes.

Breakin’ – “OZONE! Street Dancer!”

Breakin’ (1984)

Award winners don't push brooms.

Tagline:

For the break of your life! Push it to Pop it! Rock it to Lock it! Break it to Make it!

Nominated By:

Dawn

CMS Synopsis:

A professional dancer meets two streetwise performers and with some poppin’ and lockin’, the Legend of the TKO Crew is born!

The Breakdown:

Mike: So, I’m pretty sure the TKO Krew (Turbo, Special K and Ozone) popped and locked it’s way into everyone’s hearts. Agreed? Huh?

George: Turbo did, for sure. But Ozone.. come on. That guy was only as good as his most recent advantage.

Trish: As usual, the costumes were amazing in a horrible trainwreck kind of way. I mean, breakaway tuxedos?? GENIUS.

Mike: Watching this now made me realize 2 things – I still love breakdancing, and I looked RIDICULOUS when I tried to do the worm when I was a kid.

Clovis: I don’t know what this says about my love for the hip-hop culture, but I can’t think of anything good or bad to say about this movie. It’s like cotton candy. I love it while watching it, but as soon as its over I’ve completely forgotten about it. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Pop and Lock, but I couldn’t help but to continually flash back to “What’s Happening” and pour a little liquor out for Rerun. Plus, Ozone needed to stop walking away from every battle and just man up!

Trish: It is like cotton candy, only somehow sweeter. Mike, I think I need to see you try to do the worm now.

Dawn: I think part of Breakin’s utter forgetability (is that word?  it is now), at least for me, can be blamed on the Lost finale that exploded my brain immediately after this viewing.  Because I’d like to think that a movie with male camel toe, Shooter McGavin as a good guy, bumpers as wall art, and cameos by Jean-Claude Van Damme AND Ice-T would be pretty frickin’ memorable. On one sad note, that clear DVD picture and big screen TV didn’t do us any favors by revealing the strings in the Turbo’s broom dance.  A little part of my six year old self died on Sunday.

Trish: Dude, those weren’t strings. They were magical fibers.

Steve: Was I the only one who picked up the veiled drug reference with the name Special K?  I thought Shooter McGavin gave a powerhouse performance and can’t understand why he left acting for professional golf.  I also wonder why the characters were named Ozone and Turbo when their real nick names are Shabba Doo and Boogaloo Shrimp.  They could have made it easy for them like they do for Tony Danza.  They did dance their way into my heart, though, and this was my favorite Crappy Movie so far.  Probably because it had multiple montages.  Take note, The Last Dragon.

The Courtesy Flush:

This week, Dawn is our defender of all things Breakin’:

I have lot of memories tied up in Breakin’.  It came out right around the time my family got HBO and I watched the hell out of it, which led to me (a) asking for a jambox for Christmas that was so big I literally could not carry it, and (b) nearly breaking my arm during various demonstrations of my sweet coffee grinder move.  I don’t know why I though Ozone was so dreamy, or why it never occurred to me that the rival breakdance crew could just one-up our heroes by adding a fourth dancer.  What I *do* know is I’ll be pushing hard for some Electric Boogaloo action in the coming months.  After all, somebody’s gotta save Miracles.  TKO!

Join us again for Crappy Movie Sunday! PEACE!

Sex Backpack

Here’s a little present for all the Purple Rain and/or Prince fans out there. As Clovis pointed out, Prince carried sex from 1984-1992. We imagined him carrying it around in a cute little purple backpack, which inspired me to create this amazing piece of art. You can’t really tell from the scan, but I colored the backpack with a purple GLITTER crayon. I think The Kid would be proud to tote sex around in this.

Purple Rain – That Ain’t Lake Minnetonka.

Purple Rain (1984)

"You ladies don't seem to realize how valuable my time is."

Tagline:

It doesn’t need a tagline, it’s got Prince in it. Duh.

Nominated By:

Clovis

CMS Synopsis:

A talented young musician tries to make it in Minneapolis despite his family struggles, his relationship and his hometown (also Minneapolis)

The Breakdown:

Dawn: Per Wikipedia: “Initially the script was to be darker and more coherent…”  All I can say to that is thank God cooler heads prevailed, because “coherent” does not a Crappy Movie make.

Trish: I actually thought it WAS kind of dark (except for the bright flashy costumes), but I would never describe Purple Rain with the word ‘coherent’.

Clovis: All I will say is Prince carried sex on his back from the years 1984 to 1992. And this movie is partly why.

Dawn: I’m on the losing side of the ‘Prince = Sex’ battle.  I concede. But even if I accept that Prince is sexy, what about “The Kid”? Am I supposed to buy that a guy who has unicorn figurines in his bedroom is roaming around the Twin Cities banging chicks like it’s his job?

Clovis: It was the eighties; Who didn’t have weird coke figurines or talk to puppets? To quote the late, great Rick James… “Cocaine is a hell of a drug”.

Trish: I must say the puppet was totally random & creepy. I am with Dawn on this – for someone who was lugging sex around on his back, he talks to a puppet about how mean Wendy & Lisa are? Really?

Clovis: Genius rarely makes sense. But yeah, the puppet thing is kind of weird.

Mike: No one has mentioned one of the most off-putting things, in my opinion. Prince, or “The Kid” has a motorcycle as his primary mode of transport. A MOTORCYCLE. Oh, and the constant wife beating, that was also off-putting.

George: Yeah, the bike thing was a little off considering the story took place in Minnesota, but I can’t imagine those outfits on a motorcycle either. Half the cast of this film was cruising around in either a cape, a thong under fishnets, or velvet. I’m sorry but that Honda he was rolling is not recommended transportation for thong conditions.

Dawn: So this isn’t actually crappy at all, but you can’t talk about a Prince movie without mentioning the music! It was kind of awesome to see “Darling Nikki” (personal fave) pissing off somebody other than Tipper Gore.

Trish: The soundtrack OWNS. It’s just a great album, start to finish. George, I was also a little surprised that he didn’t get his super long purple coat tails caught in the wheels.

Mike: The soundtrack WAS great – now, when I hear “When Doves Cry”, all I can picture is Prince tooling around on his Honda, brooding around Minneapolis with some random flashes of wife beating and nasty Prince sex. *shiver*

Clovis: But in Prince’s defense, name me one eighties movie where the the female lead of the movie wasn’t the damsel in need of saving or wasn’t treated like garbage. I don’t condone it, but acting like Prince was the only one in that time period treating women that way … I mean hell, in Conan, women are really nothing more than boobs and shields, so you know, the men don’t get killed.

Dawn: Clovis, am I going to have to introduce you to a little flick called The Legend of Billie Jean?  ”FAIR IS FAIR!”

Mike: No one’s saying Prince was the only one – but we’re not talking about all 80′s movies – we’re talking about Purple Rain, and the movie WAS quite free with the ladies tasting a knuckle sandwich from their respective partners.

Clovis: And I whole heartedly agree with that. The women in Purple Rain weren’t treated very well, but what I’m saying is that, if fair is fair, we can’t criminalize His Royal Purpleness for doing the same thing every other movie of the eighties did. And yes, there were some movies where the women fought back, but on the average most female characters of the eighties – especially those in movies of a far less pedigree than say,  Alien,  the women were never really treated too top notch.

Clovis: And also, it wasn’t like Purple Rain was randomly beating females. It was part of the plot. He came from an abusive home, which showed his father being abusive to both the kid and his mother. It also showed what can happen when a child witnesses that abuse; i.e. Prince treating Appollonia in the same fashion. Even down to the point of repeating exactly what his father says to his mother, when he slaps Appollonia. Again, not condoning it in the slightest, but is that really the reason to stop listening to Prince’s music?

Dawn: Of course not.  I’m pretty sure “Diamonds and Pearls” is really the reason to stop listening to Prince music.

Clovis: Pretty much. Anything from the New Power Generation era. Again, ’84 to ’92 – Right after the first Batman, Prince lost his got dang mind.

Mike: Clovis, I don’t think anyone said they couldn’t listen to Prince’s music anymore. Just for the record. The last thing I’ll say in regards to Purple Rain: The musical performances were the highlight of the film, next to Morris Day and Jerome.

Clovis: You just said that now when you listen to “When Doves Cry”, you’re reminded of women beating, and nasty Prince sex. Which, I agree, no one wants to remember Prince having sex.

Mike: I said that, yes, but I never said I’d stop listening to Prince. However, I now have a mental montage of scenes from Purple Rain to accompany the music, and unfortunately, it’s not an awesome, fist pumping montage. Not like a sweet training montage from an action movie, but more like a montage of things that make me uncomfortable and somewhat sad.

The Courtesy Flush:

This week, a comic-strip CF brought to you by our own Clovis. He’s so talented! Thanks, and we’ll see you soon for our next Crappy Movie Sunday!

Psst – Click the comic for the full size version!

The Last Dragon – “Who’s The Masta?”

The Last Dragon (1985)

"You are the Last Dragon; you possess the power of the glow.."

Tagline:

“He’s a martial arts master who refuses to fight. He’s a Bruce Lee fan who’s so sure he’s Oriental that he eats popcorn with chopsticks. His friends think he’s too serious. His family thinks he’s crazy. His enemies think he’s no challenge. But she knows he’s THE LAST DRAGON.”

Nominated by:

Mike

CMS Synopsis:

A naive martial arts master must face a crazed ghetto shogun and arcade-operator/wanna-be drug kingpin to get the girl and the GLOW.

The Breakdown:

Trish: If there is one thing I luuurve in a crappy movie, it’s flashy costumes. While the straw hat was a bold choice, I think the football-pads-as-armor was even bolder. Plus, Vanity’s hair really needed it’s own movie, and in an interesting twist, it turns out that her hairstylist is actually “The Masta”. Ok, let’s get “the journey” out of the way. The ambiguous “journey” to find Sum Dum Goy (who turns out to be a computer guarded by three Asian dudes – yeah really) is as confusing as the Glow. How are you supposed to know that the houseboat is 3 blocks from Bruce Leroy’s crib??

Mike: Well, I loved it. There’s one reason to see this movie, and it’s Sho’Nuff, the Shogun of Harlem. Almost every line he delivers is awesome – “Bow down and kiss my Converse!”. Mr. Nuff’s entourage (did I really use that word?) combined with the colorful cast of thugs and misfits hired by Eddie Arkadian (who happens to run some kind of shady business from above his video arcade) makes the film for me. Oh, and did I mention the soundtrack? Full of win.

Dawn: Oh, Trish. WORD about the journey.  I mean, I’m not even going to feel bad about that.  Didn’t Mr. Miyagi tell him he had to go to New York?  Thus implying he was NOT in New York?  Maybe he was in, like, Newark or something.  Which I guess would make that technically correct.  But anyway, since Mike mentioned before we started watching that a possible remake was in the works, I found myself frequently imagining what that would look like.  I fear that it will lose the unabashed camp of the original, and if I may say, the casual racism (“Oh, no. I’m not Jewish”), which seems sort of precious in an 80′s movie, but would just not fly today.

Clovis: Having had some time to reflect on the Masterpiece that is The Last Dragon I have decided that young Bruce Leroy is the Marlon Brando of low budget, blaxpoitation, Kung Fu movies. And not Brando in The Freshman, because Brando was old and lazy by that point, no I’m talking Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. That’s right. This is Taimak’s (Why his real name is Taimak and his movie name is Leroy Green is beyond me.) low budget, blaxpoitation, kung fu, Streetcar.

And ladies and gentlemen, of course the journey was all set in the same city. We are working with a Berry Gordy, blaxpoitation, Kung Fu film. A genre so popular they made three films in it (This, Black Belt Jones and I’m sure there is another one. Right?) Which probably had a smaller budget than the shamwow commercial. I was surprised that they even had the houseboat. I mean as Mike said they clearly spent more money on the soundtrack then the acting. Which is why, I’m guessing, Vanity mumbled her way through most of her scenes.

Trish: Ah, Black belt Jones? Really? Does this need to be added to the list? And at least Vanity mumbled through her scenes with sweet hair and layers of sequins, Clovis. Taimok Brando can’t say the same.

Dawn: Why is everybody so quick to mock Taimak?  What y’all seem to think is wooden acting is, IMO a finely nuanced portrayal of a young man who has been so dedicated to the art of Kung Fu that he hasn’t had time to acquire social skills.  Or fashion sense.

Mike: The important thing to remember in this particular case is that they flipped the script – normally, you find an actor and teach them kung fu. In this case, Berry Gordy bucked the conventional approach and found a black belt that was not an actor, and attempted to teach the person to act DURING FILMING from their co-stars. I do not blame Taimak for his performance, as one would not blame a fire for burning down a building. The fire is just doing the only thing it knows. As is Taimak.

Clovis: Trish, I completely agree – But that is why I am comparing the young Taimak to a young Marlon Brando. I mean name me one movie that Brando didn’t mumble through, but that is what makes his performance so brilliant. They found the Blaxpoitation Brando! (I’m not giving up the Brando thing.)

George: Are we really going to completely overlook the fabulous cast of supporting characters? Taimak, while probably fuel enough for plenty of discussions regarding BAD acting, is backed up solidly by a host of other fail cascade B-listers. Did anyone else catch the subtle homage to Mrs. Tessmacher, Lex Luthor’s companion in the 1978 Superman, by the character Angela? Yes, it was nuanced, but I SAWED IT and it took my breath away.

Steve: Did this movie suck?  Sho ’Nuff!  That being said, it was difficult to not like this movie. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I didn’t even understand the plot for roughly the first 45 minutes.  I don’t know if it was the big hair, bad acting, corny dialogue, or B-list 80’s music…it was just good times.  If you see one movie with a kung-fu master who has never acted, some chick Prince banged, an incomprehensible plot, and William H. Macy coming out of nowhere, make sure it is this one.

The Courtesy Flush:

Mike: I’m the one that recommended the movie – so I get the last say. I remembered watching this movie when I was a kid, and I liked it then for the same reasons I still like it. It’s cheezy, it’s got some personality and it’s got Sho’Nuff. It’s a perfect example of a Crappy Movie, and a great feature to start this site off with.

Between the proposed remake starring Sam Jackson and Rhianna, and the sequel that Taimak has been working on for 15 years (yes, he’s still “acting”) we may get some more Last Dragon action sooner than later. Check out Taimak’s website and his tweets, and join us again for another Crappy Movie!

What Makes a Crappy Movie?

Hey, everyone – Mike here. Calling our brainchild Crappy Movie Sunday inevitably leads to the following question: What makes a movie a Crappy Movie?

There are a lot of things that can make a movie a Crappy Movie, but here are three major things that we tend to look for:

• Writing: Lots of plot holes, corny dialogue or other signs that the writer(s) may have had better things to do than actually write a film.
• Acting: Great actors and bad actors have one thing in common; they were ALL bad actors at one time. Watching them try to sell dialogue and emote can be priceless.
• Camp Factor: On occasion, the cast and crew of a film KNOW they are making a Crappy Movie, and they REVEL in it. Why let them have all the fun?

Nostalgia also plays a large role. Let’s face it – Rambo – First Blood Part II was AWESOME when we were 10, but now we can clearly see the marks of a Crappy Movie. Now, as we are older and wiser, we are finally able to put that nostalgia aside and say , “Yes, Rambo – First Blood Part II is a Crappy Movie, but we still love it!”.

Let’s get one thing clear, though. A Crappy Movie does NOT equal a bad filmgoing experience. Everyone likes Crappy Movies, whether they care to admit it or not. There’s nothing to be ashamed of; everyone has at least one movie that they may be embarassed to tell their friends that they liked. For some, it may be Point Break or Vampire in Brooklyn. For others, it may be Avatar, or Clash of the Titans. (The old one AND the new one are both Crappy Movies. It’s OK to admit it.)

Do your friends a favor and share your Crappy Movies with them – after all, sharing is caring, right? Right?